Thursday, 4 August 2016

How I reverted to Islam


My first religious exposure was to a *Christian Cult* that my divorced parents were deeply involved in. This was short lived as my mother turned towards drugs & alcohol. As a result my childhood was saturated with being molested by our step father for 11 years, drugs, violence & then intense physical abuse by our 2nd step-father. It was very hard growing up in this environment & I sought the first available means of escape, the Army at the age of 17.
Coping with my childhood wasn’t easy.I began self-medicating with hard drugs & alcohol. None of these were strong enough to numb my past; I became very aggressive, very violent towards people. I became very calculating & malicious; as a result the Army released me from duty & my family admitted me to a psychiatric hospital, were I was a frequent in patient for over a year.
In 2003 I became a father, this was the beginning of a mental shift in my life. I decided that I wanted to be a better person & turned to the only religion I had ever known-the cult in which I was familiarized with as a child.
It wasn’t until I found myself back in the Army serving in Iraq that I became genuine about my faith & began to study what I actually believed in. I became an extreme *Zionist.* I openly persecuted Muslims & desecrated anything remotely Islamic. I refused to do business with *Muslims* & even refused to be seen by *Muslim doctors.* I have done many things I am not proud of; all of this I did because I was defending my country, my religion & my way of life. I channeled all of my negative emotions from life unto Islam & I did that for years.

I practiced extreme hatred towards *Muslims.* It wasn’t until I found myself in combat that I decided to find GoD;I knew in my heart I was a horrible person just playing church. The only difference in me at this point from before is that oppressing *Muslims* was acceptable to the American public. I was finally out of the Army & as a result of my studies had denounced *Christianity* & was exploring *Judaism* for answers.
I had briefly examined Islam & rejected every fact & truth that those studies discovered. I didn’t want to be a *Muslim,* I didn’t want Islam to be true;but in my heart I knew it was. I then converted to *Judaism* where I studied Hebrew. This always seemed to lead me back to Islam.
In secret I loved to watch the Islamic teachers *Ahmed Deedat & Khalid Yasin.* I tried to disprove the things I heard them talk about but I ended up just listening to what they had to say.
I still hated Muslims,until I became a Maintenance Manager at an apartment complex that had a high number of *Muslim* residents; roughly 1/3 of the complexes residents were Muslim. My employment forced me to be courteous to these people. Living & working in this community changed my whole perspective on Muslims.
The defining moment is the *Muslim* man who observed me working in the heat. This man I didn’t know brought me water & insisted that I cool off in his patio. He & his wife then fed me & kept me there until they deemed me fit for duty once more.
This situation had such a deep emotional impact to me, it is as if that hateful switch in my heart was just shut off.

From that moment I wanted to be a *Muslim.* However I spent more years attempting to disprove Islam; but it seemed everything I studied only led me back to *Islam.* The final thing I wrestled with was how could *I revert to Islam after all that I had done...� How could I revert to Islam* after I had persecuted *Muslims* for years.... � I had lived a whole other life doing horrible & despicable things to *Muslims & Islam* as well. I didn’t believe *GOD* would forgive me & I was absolutely terrified to go into a *Mosque* full of people I once despised & persecuted without cause.
My journey through *Islam* is very much an emotional one at times. It took over 10 years to get me to revert to *Islam.* Shame & guilt are two powerful adversaries; I have many things I regret & am so deeply ashamed of; I carried guilt with me every day. I lived a hateful & sinful life because I hated myself for the things I had endured as a child, for the all the things I had done. Without reconciliation these things when dwelled upon usually end in suicide, in my case it resulted to my reversion to *Islam.*
I now I feel I am not even that person any longer; in essence part me did die. In the religion of *Islam* I have finally found the peace that I have desired my whole life. The lifestyle of *Islam* has evolved me into an entirely different person; I don’t even know that person I just wrote about anymore.
Islam has given me the unique opportunity to reinvent myself, to become an entirely different person. *Islam is my religion* & being a *Muslim* is my identity; that being said I love Islam & I just absolutely love every single *Muslim* I have the joy of meeting

*Alhamdulillah* *اَلْحَمْــــدُﷲ*
*Àllah - Akbar* *ﷲ اَكْبَــر*

*In following our Deen as best as we can, there is only joy & peace which cannot be found in nothing or no one [truncated by WhatsApp]

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