HOW TO WIN THE HEART OF YOUR ZAWJ

BEING A LECTURE PRESENTED TO SINGLE AND MARRIED WHATSAPP GROUP ON 7TH RAJAB 1438AH (04/04/2017) BY LOUQMAAN IBN MUHAMMAD (ABU-ZAYD)

Innal hamda lillahi, na’muduhu wa nastainuhu wa nastagfirhu. Bismillahir-Rahmanir-Raheem. Wa solatu wasalam ‘ala Nabiyyina Muhammad wa aalihi wa as-habihi wasallam.
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Assalamu alaykum warahmatullah

The topic given to me is HOW TO WIN THE HEART OF YOUR ZAWJ

InshaAllah, we shall be looking at the following during our discussion:

* DEFINITION OF ZAWJ
* MARRIAGE OF NOWADAYS
* HOW TO WIN THE HEART OF YOUR ZAWJ
* CONCLUSION

DEFINITION OF ZAWJ
Before anything, I feel it’s necessary to define the meaning of the word “ZAWJ” because many people misunderstood and/or misuse the word.

The Arabic word, ZAWJ (meaning spouse in English) is your companion, your mate, your partner. In the olden times, Zawj was used as a verb meaning “to marry,” but nowadays, it functions as a noun referring to either *husband* or *wife*.

That is, your spouse (zawj) is the person to whom you are married; your husband or wife. Even though, some people still use Zawj for husband and Zawjatu for wife. Wallahu a’lam.

MARRIAGE OF NOWADAYS
If every day of the marriage mirrors the first day of marriage, and every night reflects the first night of marriage, then marriage is an euphoric experience in this world. The first couple of months are always a ‘honeymoon’.  Once the couple settle down, then reality begins.  Many couples fail at this point.  The husband gets engrossed in his job.  He comes home tired and late, feeling hungry and tired.  He demands for the food and feels lazy to do anything.  He eats, puts the dirty plates in the sink and lies down on the sofa. 

He might awaken to perform salah if he is conscious of salah.  Otherwise, he wakes up later on towards the night, phones a few friends, watches TV and keeps ordering the wife to get him x and y.  When it is time to sleep, if the husband is in a good mood he will have relations with his wife-but only to satisfy his needs.  Once he is fulfilled, he stops and drops off to sleep.  Whether the wife is satisfied or not does not even cross his mind.  This becomes the routine of his life.

The wife on the other hand, initially tries to please her husband.  She slowly loses her enthusiasm as she does not receive enough attention from her husband.  She cooks to please her husband.  She will put effort into her food.  She will try and perfect every detail in the food.  The presentation, ingredients and spices are put meticulously so they complement each other. 

After a while she became tired of the good work.  As soon as the husband goes to work, she is on the phone to her associates and watches TV.

This style of marriage wherein there is no affection and no real emotion is heading towards destruction. Wallahul musta’an!!!
HOW TO WIN THE HEART OF YOUR ZAWJ
InshaAllah, if the spouse is observing the following, an everlasting happy home is guaranteed. Infact, if I have a wife doing the following, she would be the queen of my Empire …. Lol
The husband and wife have to bond with one another psychologically, physically and spiritually. Here are some attractive points we need to adopt to win the heart of our Zawj:

1) Know their feelings
The husband and wife should be aware of each other’s feelings.  The husband should be able to gauge when his wife is upset or sad, likewise the wife should be able to read her husband’s behaviour.  By being conscious of one another’s feelings, it will help resolve any differences. When your spouse is down or upset, be there to console him/her. 

The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam once said to Sayyidah Aisha radiallahu anha : “I know well when you are pleased or angry with me. Aisha replied: How you know that? He said: When you are pleased with me you swear by saying “By the God of Mohammad” but when you are angry you swear by saying “By the God of Ibrahim”. She said: You are right, I don’t mention your name.”

2) Console her
This is another feature a marriage must have.  Each spouse has to be there for the other in the good and bad times.  The wife should find comfort and solace in the husband and the husband should find warmth and love in his wife.  Be gentle with one another.

Sayyidah Safiyah radiallahu anha was on a journey with the Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam.  She was late so the Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam received her while she was crying. The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam wiped her tears with his own hands and tried his utmost to calm her down.

3) Laying in the wife’s lap
How many times have we rested in the lap of our spouse? These gestures may seem trivial but they are the acts which bring the hearts close.  The wife can sense and see the love of her husband for her in such actions. She will appreciate this gesture greatly.

The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam would recline in the lap of our beloved mother Sayyidah Aisha radaillahu anha even in the state when she would be menstruating.  The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam would recite the Qur῾ān whilst reclining in his wife’s lap.

4) Combing the spouse’s hair:
This is how close a couple has to be.  Love evolves and grows to such an extent that a spouse yearns to do everything for the other spouse even if it simply combing their hair.  To maintain a high intensity of love, do the little things for your spouse also.  Little acts have a huge psychological impact on the mind of the spouse. 

Aisha radiallahu anha would comb the hair of the Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam and wash his hair.

5) Drinking and eating from one place:
Do things together with your wife.  Do not just eat at the same time and on the same tablecloth, but eat from the same plate.  This will bond the hearts so close to one another.  When everything your wife comes into contact with becomes more beloved to you than food itself, imagine the flame of love in your lives?

Aisha radiallahu anha would drink from a cup.  The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam would take this cup and search for the place where the lips of his beloved wife made contact.  Upon finding the place where his wife drank from the cup, he would put his lips on the very same place so that his lips have touched the place where her lips touched. 

6) Kissing:
Compliment your spouse often with kisses.  When exiting the house, make it habit you leave by coming into contact with your spouse.  When returning home, along with saying salām to her, show that you have missed her dearly. When she is working or busy in her household chores, surprise her with a kiss.  You have to show your love.  Love is the fuel of marriage; if you desire your marriage to progress, you have to express your love in every way you can.

The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam would kiss his wife regularly.  Even when he salallahu alaihi wasallam would be fasting, he would kiss his wife.

7) Lifting the morsel to her mouth
The husband and wife should make these gentle gestures to exhibit their love and appreciation.  Feed your spouse with your own hands now and then.  This will rekindle the flame of love in your marriage.

The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam said: If you spend an amount you will be rewarded for it, even when you lift the morsel to your wife’s mouth.”

8) Assisting her in the housework:
Without being asked, if the couple help each other in day to day activities, it will make one appreciate the other.  Likewise, one should try his best not to demand his/her spouse to do things too much.  Whatever one can do himself, he should do.  We need to be considerate of the spouse.  The wife works tirelessly all day.  So if the husband was to be considerate and realise his wife works hard, this will touch the wife.  Likewise, if the wife was to go out of her way to see to the needs of her husband being considerate, it will induce a great spark of love between the two.

The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam would clean and help at home.  He would see to his needs himself rather than demanding his wife.  He would clean and see to his clothing himself.

9)Dress for your spouse
This is another area where many spouses fail.  The wife only dresses when it is a special occasion.  The husband on the hand stays scruffy and does not take care to be neat and tidy.  If the couple want their everyday to be a special occasion like their wedding day, they must dress to impress!
The wife should wear the clothing which pleases her husband. Likewise, the husband should wear what the wife likes. 

Sayyiduna Ibn Abbas radiallahu anhu said: “As my wife adorns herself for me, I adorn myself for her. I do not want to take all of my rights from her so that she will not take all of her rights from me because Allah, the Exalted, stated the following: “And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them.” (Qur῾an 2 :228.)

10)Utilising perfume:
One should make an effort to smell good for his wife all the time. Looking good, keeping clean, smelling nice compliments a relationship exceptionally.  Make sure you hair is tidy, your clothes are neat and you smell pleasant.  This will attract your spouse always and inject affection into the marriage.

The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam would have a container for perfume.  He would use perfume constantly.

11) Loving & respecting their families
Another great factor to contribute to a healthy relationship is to love and cherish the family of your spouse.  The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam was once asked whom he loved the most.  He replied, “Aisha.”  When the questioner rephrased his question and asked from amongst the men, he replied, “Her father.”

Imagine how happy his wife Sayyidah Aisha would have become upon hearing this response?

Compliment your in laws in front of your wife.  Compliment your wife to her family.  Your wife will really appreciate this.

Although all these cant be achieved at a time, but working on them one point at a time consistently would make solve a lot of marital problems.

CONCLUSION
Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat others. With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times … when we are tired and frustrated after a hard day. The wife has probably also had a hard day with the children and the housework. Wives and husbands should discuss this potential time-bomb so that if they are short-tempered with each other during these times, they will understand the reasons rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves them.

According to the famous saying, “actions speak louder than words.”  Show your spouse you love her. Therefore, every time the husband and wife glance at each other, the glance should arouse them and ignite more love in their hearts. Also, the husband should never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as opening the car’s door for his wife, etc.
Most importantly, they should find some time to pray together. Strengthening the bond between them and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta’ala is the best guarantee that their marital bond would always remain strong.
May Allah bless our marriages and make our homes to be romantic gardens.
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_Subhanaka Allahumma wabihamdiKa. Ash - hadu alla ilaha illa Anta astagfiruKa wa atubu ilayK_